Day 7

Day 7

Journal entry was 3 pages long! Here is a small portion- “The great part of today is I absolutely did not want to drink away the yucky feelings. Not sure why really- I think I just want to be aware of them and process them”

This was the day of my mom's birthday party at a winery. I have refused to let my mind go there much in the days prior- but today I must figure this out. The plan is there are a certain number of wine tasting tickets and my mom wants to make sure I get one. But that is the last thing I want. Now you may be saying why don’t you just tell your mom what you are doing-because I felt she would have tried to talk me out it. Telling me I don’t drink that much, telling me I didn’t need to quit, saying it was extreme. I knew alcohol was not serving me and I knew I needed it out of my life.

I had my future daughter in law and grandson coming with me. My DIL was aware of my goal at this point and extremely supportive. Her and I spend most days together as we are also neighbors. A plan was developed that we would arrive late to the party due to my grandsons' nap schedule- this would allow all the tasting tickets to be distributed prior to me getting there and then I will be driving them home so would not drink. I texted my mom to let her know we would be late due to nap schedules and to please hand out the tickets. There was not a text response sent back.

When I got there the atmosphere was chilly- I felt there was disappointment with me showing up late and there were comments like “nice of you to finally show-up” among other things. Let’s just say there was not a warm welcome. We stayed for the rest of the party- I offered rides home to everyone- no one accepted- and then I left.

WOW did this experience mess with my head- I ruminated on this experience- trying to figure out how I could of handled it better- trying to understand what parts of it I was responsible for. I was confused on my feelings and if they were appropriate and deserved. My activity app tells me I had 14,000 steps this day, and I journaled pages along with a long bath.

The loud self-talk was brutal “you are a disappointment” “everyone knew she was mad at you” “I’m sure they were all talking about you and how awful it was that you didn’t show up to your moms' party on time” “will this all be worth it when you go back to your old ways”

I wrote in my journal that the whisper self-talk got louder and was telling the negative thoughts to fuck off! It was saying I needed time to understand and process emotions, I did not need to be perfect I just needed to keep going. I chose that self-talk to guide me 😊

One year later

Perception can be everything- I can clearly see one year ago at this stage I was unsure of myself, felt awkward in the setting, and ashamed I was in a position of needing to remove alcohol from my life. I made a lot of assumptions about my mom’s feelings and behaviors that day. I was horrible at processing feelings and self-soothing.

Today a birthday party at a winery would be much different for me. I would gladly accept the invite and then I would call the winery to see if they offer an NA wine or other NA options- if they do not, I would ask permission to bring my own bottle. I would arrive on time and offer rides to other attendees. I would be confident and openly say I don’t drink. There is no shameful feelings around an alcohol-free life, the shame has been replaced with pride, confidence and abundant self-awareness. My mom and I are close and talk almost daily- I have not shared how I felt that day- I have learned to live where my feet are planted- focusing on past events or words are not helpful to me. Of course, she knows I no longer drink- we don’t talk about it much.