Day Zero

Days before the final drink

Margaritaville- Jimmy Buffet had recently passed away and what better tribute than to have a party in his honor. And let’s be real- is there a better excuse to keep the margaritas flowing. It was also the beginning of fall season and what better time than now to make the drink Apple Pie. Apple pie is basically homemade moonshine and it is passed around as a “sipper” or “shot”.

The party group consisted of a close group of friends who were also neighbors at our summer vacation homes. We had had many happy hours over the summer. But here’s the thing- I seemed to like alcohol a lot more than anyone else. I seemed to need it more. My empty glass gave me angst and a need to get it refilled. I never left the party early or decided I couldn’t possibly have one more drink- that was ludicrous to even think.

The weekend prior I had gone on a girls trip to wine country. I had been noticing that when I drank wine my heart would race and this feeling of butterflies in my chest was so intense. I would later learn this was anxiety. But at that time what I knew was- back off the wine because my heart didn’t like it. So hello tequila and moonshine- seemed like a reasonable swap and it was in tribute to Jimmy Buffet. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time- those words would become a mantra for me in the future.

The party went as usual, a good time was had, we laughed, we ate, we drank and we sang songs. Nothing crazy, no fights with my husband, no blackout- that I recall anyway. But the dark stuff was happening inside of me, my self-reflection. I could see I drank different; I could see I needed it more than others. I could see I truly loved alcohol. When I woke up during the night with that sweaty, heart racing, oh my God what did I say, how drunk did I get, did I slur my words, is my husband mad at me feelings- I said never again. I said this is it you have to change this- do you want to become a drunk?

So what did I do- well I made it until about 2PM and had a glass of wine. It was Sunday September 17th. We left our summer home the morning after the Jimmy Buffet party and traveled to a family party to visit with an Aunt and Uncle who were in town visiting. The wine of course was flowing and it took about 3 seconds to decide today was not the day to quit. The day went as usual I had several glasses of wine- who really counts them anyway. And we left – again no big scene, no rock bottom. That was all happening inside of me- I hated the obsession I had with alcohol and of course my heart was racing and those butterflies were back in my chest. The self- loathing was in full force and in my mind I deserved even more disgust than I could pile on myself.

The next day was a Monday- I would resume the no drinking rule. Mondays were the logical day to start new things right? All my diets had started on a Monday, and ended by Wednesday, but this would be different. The timing was not right to quit drinking, I had way too many events coming up where alcohol was going to be my main date. I pushed the thoughts away of subpar timing and again told myself tomorrow would be the day.

I want to share what I had written in my journal one month to the day prior to this.

8/17/23 I am not sure what it is but it feels like it is time to start writing down my thoughts. Maybe age making me feel vulnerable. I truly want to be my best self and I have an idea of where to start…..

My body is changing on me- loss of energy, weight gain, hair loss, no motivation. I hate it and sometimes wonder am I depressed- but I am not I think I am just bored.

This is what I would write one year from that last day of drinking

9/17/24

Holy shit- I did it. If only I could go back to the woman I was one year ago and whisper in her ear and say “you got this, you are amazing and thank you” and follow up with a big hug. I am so incredibly proud of that woman for saying alcohol has become a habit, it is interfering with me becoming my best self. I knew I needed to make a change and so I pulled on my big girl panties and dug in. I didn’t believe in myself that day and actually I wouldn’t for a long time. On Day zero what I felt was disgust with loud thoughts of why am I here, this isn’t fair, my life will be so boring. But there was a quiet thought that was saying “what if?” what if I succeed. I chose to listen to the quiet thought. Damn the courage that took. Some would call this their all time low- but is it really? Right now I look at the person I was a year ago and think of it as incredibly brave and strong. In an alcohol obsessed world, I had the strength to see this was not serving me and it was time to make a change.

Today looks very different than a year ago. I am writing this after I got up early and exercised. I will get ready and go to work shortly. I am flooded with emotions today as I reflect on the work I have done in the past year. The thought of a drink does not consume me at all anymore- I don’t have any desires to drink. Alcohol is an addictive substance and spoiler alert- I experienced it’s addictive qualities. In this blog I will continue to walk through how I untangled that web. Come back tomorrow for my official one year anniversary alcohol free.