Days 5 & 6

My post content

Days 4 & 5

No journal entries these days

It is a Friday and Saturday. Shit is gonna get real -THE WEEKEND. Our weekends consist of spending time at our cottage on the lake. We occasionally will go to dinner on a Friday night. The big event that is starting to consume me is my mom’s party at a winery on Sunday. I am thinking about it more and more and really concerned with how I will manage it. I continue to remind myself- that is Sundays problem and not to dwell on it now. The only goals for Friday and Saturday are to not drink. On Friday I tell my husband- “I’m determined to get alcohol out of my life and not drink anymore”. His response was “oh, ok”. Uhm excuse me sir, but this mission and thought has consumed me for the whole week and his response was OH, OK?? Miraculously I don’t pick a fight, I just keep going. We did get together with our friends and I had NA beer as my date, dressed in a can koozie to look sophisticated and disguised as an alcoholic beverage. I did not want to answer questions. I felt awkward, unsure of myself but yet totally present and when I laughed, I really laughed. The laughing thing was happening more and when it did it felt deeper. Weird, but nice.

All the self-talk was there as usual. The loud voices saying “even your husband thinks this is dumb, he just isn’t saying it, you look lame with that NA beer, why is this happening to me, every weekend will be so boring, no one will want to be around me. “ At some point a change happened where the whisper starting to answer each loud negative thought with “but what if….”. What if became words I lived by.

One year later

I am a loud and proud alcohol free, sober, alcohol free bad-ass or NA person. Call me what you want. I am proud and have no desire to ever consume alcohol again. It is interesting though that I need a label, so to speak, to identify what side of alcohol I align with. We don’t identify people who consume alcohol as drinkers, but we do seem to have the need to identify non-drinkers as such.

My daughter and I are out of town this weekend in Chicago and we have gone to dinner with a group of people last night, some were close friends who know this whole story and some did not and barely knew me- I openly announced to the waiter I don’t drink alcohol but wanted an NA beer. Also, we went to a place called Little Eataly. This place has authentic Italian food products, gifts and restaurants. The last time we went here I highly enjoyed their wines, you can buy a glass and sip while you shop. This time I perused the wine selection did not see any alcohol-free options and found a staff member. He pointed me to where he keeps the alcohol-free selection and we had a genuine open conversation about the sober-curious movement and I suggested some brands he should carry in the store. All the while my daughter is with and assisting me on this mission. I am having a great time on this trip, I do not feel alcohol is missing and I am not having thoughts that I want it. I am having thoughts of how happy I am that alcohol is not a member of this trip.