Five Months

5 Months

Journal entry during this time- Holy crap these emotions are like little aliens- I have no idea who they are. Anger is strong and fierce- I have to figure out how to pause it.

Ok pardon my language but this is when shit starts to get real fast. This month includes days 124-156. My emotions are feeling like they are on steroids all of the sudden and especially anger. When I use the words “boiling rage” that is exactly what I mean. This shocked me as rarely did I get excessively angry in the past and certainly not to this level. There were times I was a little scared of myself. I was feeling like is this all there is? The pink cloud was gone and it blew up in my face on the way out. Sometimes the thought would creep in saying “why are you doing this, just drink, this is boring and your not that happy”. Somewhere deep down though I knew there was more out there for me, I need to trust the process. Trust the process became my mantra.

Now it was the middle of winter and I live in an area that is cold and snowy, so I questioned if these feelings were due to that. I was tested for depression during this time. Crazily I was sad to find out I wasn’t depressed and so there was no pill I could take to help alleviate how I was feeling.

My husband and I went to a gala type event (see picture above) and leading up to it I had been very excited to go but as the day approached I started to feel like “why bother”. We did go and during the event I had feelings of anger and was bitter that alcohol was my thing. How did this happen, how did I get here, I am successful in so many ways in my life, how in the hell did this become my thing when there are 200 other people in this room mostly drinking. And there I stood with a terrible cup of coffee.

Tactics I used during this time- sharing with my community, lots of baths, going to bed early, journaling, meditation and eating my emotions (not ideal but better than the alternative). I turned to food again like I had in the first 30 days. And I kept repeating trust the process, this has to pass. I had no idea when, if or how that would be true. It was like suddenly walking into a dark tunnel from being in sunlight and having to find my way out. I had no idea how long the tunnel was, if there were any windows along the way or who I would be on the other side. Or if I would even fit out of the tunnel once I had gotten to the end- the scale was telling me I was gaining weight. There was zero motivation for exercise.

One year later

My emotions are even and they are welcomed. I have learned that each one of my emotions is a part of me and I now can say I absolutely love myself. I love the version I am today and all the versions that have gone before me. This past month has brought some situations that have created anxiety and fear in me. When that has happened I have taken that version of myself and protected her, soothed her, comforted her. I don’t ignore those feeling, deny them or hide them. I acknowledge and love them and do whatever I can to hold space for ME. Sometimes I have thought “is it selfish to focus on myself so much”? Then I realize that no this is not selfish, this is HEALTHY. This is how you avoid using substances to deal with feelings, circumstances and insecurities.

What does protecting, soothing and comforting myself look like these days: a cup of tea, exercise, snuggling with my husband and pets, talking it out with my daughter, trying a new hobby (currently embroidery), binge watching some netflix, doing a puzzle, and setting boundaries.

I am deep in the process of planning an upcoming vacation and there are no feelings of loss, missing out or less than because alcohol is not involved. I feel so lucky to be living this alcohol free life and especially grateful that I kept navigating the dark tunnel and trusted the process!

Oh and all that weight I gained during that time last year is gone and I exercise on a regular basis because I want to and it feels good.