Four Months

4 Months

Journal entry at 94 days- I continue to amaze myself, I have no desire to drink, I just wish I had more motivation to work out.

Christmas eve journal entry- I feel rested and ready- Let’s do this!

The holidays were approaching and my pink cloud was strong. I was like an elf in the north pole: making festive ice cubes, decorating, baking and present purchasing. My mood could be described as euphoric, upbeat, energetic.

Christmas Eve is hosted at our home and after all the guests had left it was my daughter, husband and myself cleaning up. My daughter and I were at the sink doing dishes and had been laughing and reminiscing on the day when she said something to me that made my heart swell. She said “mom you seem so much happier and calmer not drinking”. Those words meant so much to me along with the actions of cleaning up the house together. We really were having fun with the task at hand. I stopped and thought about how different this would have been had alcohol been involved. For one the party likely would of still been going, she would of eventually been off to see her boyfriend and the clean up wouldn’t of been a joyous fun experience. A glimmer.

I was learning during this time how many lies about alcohol I had believed. Such as: I wouldn’t like myself without it, would my husband be boring if I didn’t drink, life would be boring, how in the world would a vacation be fun without alcohol. There was a lot to navigate and figure out at this stage yet but I was really enjoying the glimmers. Glimmers are those special moments you get that you know would not of happened had you been drinking. I relied heavily on the glimmers- they were my beacons of hope, glimpses of what life could be.

One Year Later

Well there was no pink cloud to fuel me but I didn’t miss it. Alcohol is extremely insignificant at this point in my life. I do not need to avoid it or activities that include it. My life has faced challenges during this month that are some of the hardest in my life. Two of my uncles passed away 6 weeks apart, and my mother’s health has declined. During this time I have been constantly reminded of how healthy it is to take care of your self first. Take time for a quick meditation, use your breathing tools, exercise, journal, enjoy hobbies, or just be alone. I don’t use these tools because I have an urge to drink. I honestly have NO urge to drink. I use them because they are healthy for me mentally and they help me to process emotions and calm my central nervous system. In fact during a particularly stressful day someone went to hand me a drink with alcohol and my response was “my goodness why would I want to make this any more difficult” and made my cup of tea. That is how I see alcohol now- something that makes everything more difficult and robs me of who I truly am.