Six Months

The MESSY middle

6 Months, Days 158-184

Journal entry during this time:

“It’s been kind of rough, vivid traumatic dreams, difficulty sleeping good, irritability, frustration and anger. Therapist said PAWS. I don’t know how I feel about that, I actually hate the idea and again can’t believe I am here. I will absolutely keep going because I don’t want to go through all of this again”.

I wasn’t journaling on a regular basis during this time- my journal is also a yearly calendar and there are a lot of empty pages. This time was dark. My emotions, while extreme in some ways, the emotions of joy or excitement seemed non-existent. Days felt long and with it being deep winter where I live, ability to be outside was limited. I again emersed myself in podcasts and attended my AF community meetings. These things along with reading quit lit helped me to not feel so alone. I was not feeling urges to drink. I had no desire for that, I just wasn’t feeling joy. It was like I was grieving something or someone.

The dreams I describe in my journal I still remember quite well a year later. They would be dreams of a challenge such as I was swimming and chased by sharks-the dream would go on and on and the shark would never catch me but I would stay just a tiny bit ahead of it. I was waking up exhausted and on edge. There was a variation of this type of dream nightly.

What if, the mantra I used in the beginning was replaced with “what if you just trust the process”. Somewhere deep inside the “what if” voice in me believed there was a glorious life to be lived alcohol free and I needed to trust this process. Understanding this journey was a process and not suddenly a magic wand was instrumental in keeping me moving forward.

One year later/545 days AF

I look back on that time and know how vital it was for my growth. We grow in the uncomfortable and I was certainly uncomfortable! I was grieving. I was grieving the loss of what I thought was the greatest love of my life- alcohol. It had been with me to celebrate, commiserate, ponder, pass time, connect with people, cook, clean, parent, be a wife and vacation.

This messy middle did pass and I did trust the process. This month I went on a glorious vacation to Hawaii with my husband. In the early days of being alcohol free I could barely think about vacation without feeling dread. This is absolute proof of the lies that alcohol tells us. Due to the hold alcohol had on my emotions and experiences I was sure a vacation could not be had without it. But let me tell you what I have found to be true. Alcohol free vacation is unlocking a whole new level of joy, freedom, contentment, self-love and experience. Describing what I mean here would take pages but I’ll try to summarize. I saw vacation in color. I was acutely present in the moment. I observed things on a deeper level, experienced curiosity in a fun and fulfilling way (think snorkeling with a group of 6 sea turtles surrounding me kind of curiosity). My dining experiences were a new level for my palate. There was no alcohol to alter my taste. I ordered the appetizers, slowly ate my meal and then ordered the desserts. Don’t get me wrong there are still disappointing moments in life but the difference is I process them and make future choices in a way that is healthy and provides a sense of contentment.