Two Months

2 Months

Journal Entry 53 days- I feel great- emotions are odd-mostly happy with some anxiety. Some sad moments when I think I’ve lost a friend- Why would I think alcohol is a friend- this is so dumb.

The time of year is October into November and I am obsessed with Christmas. My house is wrapped in Christmas lights for the first time in years. My energy level is high and I am enjoying things on a much deeper level. I am still staying pretty close to home and not sharing much with anyone. I am very concerned with what people will think of me. Witching hour is still visiting but passing quicker. Some tools I was utilizing during this time were box breathing, forward thinking, journaling, and timing my cravings. Cravings were lasting 8-10 minutes and getting shorter. This gave me confidence to know they were getting shorter and they did go away.

What I was feeling the most was fear- fear that this would all pass and I would fail again. Fear because I was sure there was no way I would succeed. Fear because it felt so good and I wanted it to last but I did not believe in myself. I shared this in the group I had joined and explained the fear I was feeling. I was challenged to answer the question “What scares you?”. I answered that I will fail and go back to my old ways- the next question was “what scares you about that?” My answer-I don’t want to be that person. “What scares you about that person?” I didn’t have an answer. After that group meeting I took my journal and kept asking the question and digging deeper and deeper. I eventually got to an answer that was pivotal for me. I was scared shitless because I believed alcohol owned the power. Alcohol only had the power because I was giving it the power. It was my responsibility to take that power back. I was driving the bus, sailing this ship, cooking the recipe- however you want to think about it – but I was in control! The fear very quickly dissipated when came to this conclusion.

During this time I had one big event- girls weekend. We have been getting together once a year for several years, this was a weekend that filled my soul with laughter, belly with delicious food and some drunk shenanigans. There was no way I would miss this time with these dear people in my life. I loaded up on my NA drinks and did not let myself think about that moment of revealing to my dear friends that I quit drinking and trying to explain it. Turns out the only person it was a big deal to was me- they of coursed wanted to know that I was ok because this was quite different from the past but then quickly moved on and we had a wonderful weekend. One event we do is wine tasting- everyone brings a bottle of wine to try and then we rate the wine. I brought an NA bottle, I was also the wine pourer for the tasting and of course only had the NA version in my glass. I in no way felt left out of that experience and I did not want to even try the wines. I was very angry with alcohol at this point- for the lies it had told me and the manipulation of my thoughts. I was seeing it for what it was. I was still very unsure how I would live without it in an alcohol obsessed world. But I refused to think too far ahead and just keep living where my feet were planted.

During that girls weekend when I woke up Saturday morning and immediately my thoughts went to “how drunk did I get, did I act like an idiot, what did I say”. I was still having these mornings and usually a joy and feeling of gratitude would flood me when I could thank myself for not drinking. But this morning instead my brain said- “Maybe you didn’t drink but they still remember all the times you did”. The thought was so fast and swift that it took my breath away. All those podcasts I had been listening to had prepared me for this. This is the addictive side of my brain trying to pull me back in. The cravings were not working and the fear did not work. I was warned it would get sneaky like this and try anything to pull me back in. While still laying in bed I told that thought to go to hell. While yes we have many wonderful memories in this friend group, and many involve drinking, I would not replace a single one. And these people love and accept me for me! Damn that felt so good to deal with that negative self talk in such a rational self-loving manner.

One Year Later

Same group of friends, same girls weekend- I looked forward to going for several weeks. No fear, no insecurity of what will they think, how will I get through the whole weekend. Only joy and anticipation of good times with special people. I shared a podcast with them where I shared my story. The support and encouragement was palpable and genuine. I was so worried about what people would think of me, the assumptions they would make. I am going to share some of the messages I have received from friends after they have seen this blog or listened to the podcast.

“chills, so gosh dang proud of you”

“love it! Your stories are going to help so many people. You’re an inspiration and I can’t wait to see where you take this!”

“really, really good job. Proud of you”

“Honestly, you are amazing!!! This is something to be super proud of. I value our friendship! Love you to pieces!!”

“Love your blog!! Love that you’re doing that!!! I can’t wait to keep reading!!!”

“KaPow. You are a god damn warrior! Proud beyond words.”

“I’m so damn proud of you Danielle. I just had time to read your blog. Amazing your truly a rockstar! I had no idea and so proud you got through that!”

“WOW!! Thank you for sharing your podcast, it made me smile at times and it brought tears to my eyes as well. I am so proud of you and I know you are proud of yourself, as you should be! You will be a huge support to people that are going to take on the same journey that you are on. I am honored to call you a friend and I support you in your lifestyle! Keep up the good work, you are an inspiration.”

“I just read your blog and let me say that I am so freakin proud of you!! I can only imagine the people that you are giving inspiration and hope to realizing that they can do “it”… whatever that “it” is. It just goes to show you never know the demons people are dealing with because we are always so good at hiding that from others but the internal conversations can be brutal. Keep on being the strong, kick-ass person you are”

When I celebrated on year I received flowers from my husband and daughter and card that read “We are so proud of you! We love you so much. So glad to have such a strong & resilient Mother and Wife in our lives!”

My daughter-in- law sent “sappy, but I am so incredibly proud of you & beyond thankful to have you in my life as well as the best grandma. Cheering you on everyday and we love you!!”

I was so worried what people would think, I had no one in my life that had gone down this path. I spent a lot of time thinking everyone would think less of me- make assumptions- think I was a loser. Read those messages again. My perception was 100% inaccurate. The people close to me felt- pride, love, support, awe and total acceptance.

My relationships are authentic in a way I never knew existed when alcohol was in my life. Alcohol kept me insecure and feeling “less than”. I’ll say it again- there is nothing in my life that is not better alcohol-free. My friendships and family relationships are probably the best part and they were the thing I was most fearful of- how ironic hey?

Look at my about me page on this site for a link to the podcast I reference in this blog if you would like to listen.