Week 2

Week 2

Journal Entry from this week- They were dumb- like dear diary, I love fall, or how many steps that day.

I had not learned to journal for discovery of self yet- that would come later.

Nothing was natural in my routine. Walking, podcasts, journaling, meditation- these were all forced activities. I knew I needed to change my routine. I knew I needed distractions. Those things were not what my brain wanted to be doing. Sit down- have a glass of wine, have a beer on the porch that sounded like real fun. Listen to hour 6 today of a podcast or go for your 2nd walk of the day did not sound relaxing. I needed to trust the process- I heard on a podcast that in the early days the only goal is to be alcohol free every single day. And each day you are AF it is like laying a brick of foundation and eventually the foundation gets sturdy and strong. The days were not necessarily pleasant- they felt long, I felt out of place.

At the end of week 2 I had a work event to go to on Saturday night- it was a formal gala type event. The event was over an hours drive from my home, I was going without my husband as he was heading out of town for the next week. There are not words to tell you how much I craved a glass of wine to settle my nerves for this event. During the week leading up to this when my mind would wander to this event and wonder how I would navigate it AF, I did the same as the week prior- I shoved the thoughts away- told myself to deal with them on Saturday. And when Saturday came I literally took it hour by hour. It wasn’t until I had walked into the event and sat down that I let my mind go to what shall I drink? And at that moment the waiter walked over with a bottle of red and a bottle of white wine. SHIT. I asked for a soda and was told I needed to go to the bar for that where there was a very long line. When did drinking wine become easier than getting a damn soda!!! When the night ended I took myself through the McDonalds drive thru for a large McFlurry as a reward and it was delicious. I couldn’t wait to get home and go to bed. As I drove home I reflected on the night. I realized I did enjoy the event, I was present in all my conversations and shocker I had no guilt over anything I had said.

During this week someone I am very close to was on an overseas trip. She was experiencing the German beers and Austria wines- I was getting pictures of beautiful cocktails. This is the person who knew my drinking habits the best, and besides my husband knows me the best. She is my cousin but I call her my sister. She was telling me of all the wines and beers she was bringing home for us to enjoy. I couldn’t even verbalize to her what I was up to. I just said “can’t wait”. That was going to be next weeks problem.

One Year Later

I am preparing for my sons wedding coming up in a couple months. When I think about the nerves and anxiety I brought to that gala- I am so incredibly proud of the work I have done this past year. I don’t carry those feelings with me anymore, I attend events with confidence. Don’t get me wrong there is those moments of crap do I have something in my teeth? I am approaching my son’s wedding with excitement and joy- I don’t look at that event and think it will be diminished because I don’t drink. In fact I know it will be more incredible than ever because I don’t drink. I am confident I will be my best self that day, I will be clear headed, I will be present, I will enjoy it all. I am preparing Alcohol -free offerings at the bar- there are 10 bottles of de-alcoholized wine in my closet waiting for the special day. I am excited to share them with others who may be AF, driving that night, pregnant or simple wanting to take a night off of drinking. My next task is to decide what AF beers I will be offering. If someone told me I had a work gala to go to I would dust off the dress I wore last year (I am cheap like that) and participate and definitely would keep the McFlurry tradition for the ride home- I am still eating way too much ice cream. I will discuss the scale and the first year in a later blog.